Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Its been really hard as of late. Finally have the long awaited moving date which is now in two weeks and I can't wait to get going although I know the run up to the day and the days after are going to practically kill me. I don't have time to rest beforehand, not with the kids, the dogs and the packing to do as well as the usual household chores. When did life become so hard? As a kid I remember not having a care in the world until I reached the age of 10 then it got hard. Puberty hit, emotions ran high and all of a sudden I was interested in boys, cared about what people thought about me and my appearance and was endlessly worried about not fitting in. Then the dreaded teenage years arrived and I became a recluse. I hid away in my room at all times, not surfacing unless it was for a bathroom break. Believe me, my bedroom as a teenager was like a bedsit. I had my own stash of food, TV, video, computer, stereo, endless amounts of books and things to do. I had decided that in order for me not to worry about fitting in and how I look then I wouldn't bother being in public unless I had to. School was the main reason for coming out of my 'little piece of heaven' and even then, I pretended to be someone I wasn't just so I could get through the day. Its amazing how now I don't give a damn about what other people think of me personally. If they don't want to get to know me then that's up to them, let them judge me on what they see, I don't care. What I do give a damn about however is my illness. ME is STILL so unknown and its even worse when you are made to feel worthless by a complete stranger on the phone who doesn't know you from Adam but is judging you on your lack of income due to having a chronic debilitating illness. That is what has happened to me today with my bank. Because I don't work, have three children to support, are not on any benefits and the reason why I don't work is due to having ME then they see me as a financial risk and have given me 60 days notice that they are going to close my account with them. It doesn't matter that I've been a long standing customer with them, it doesn't matter that I've been financially sound for the majority of my time with them, they still only see my illness as the reason for my drop in income. I feel dejected, humiliated, worthless and I can't help thinking that if I didn't have ME I wouldn't be in this position now. But who can see the future? Certainly not me as if I did, I would have seen this coming and put some aside for a rainy day. But then again, I can't afford to put some by. What I get is what I live off and support my family with and to me, they are more important than having my bank account out of its overdraft.

This is another notch on the bedpost as it were for ME winning and another setback for me. But this war is not over yet, I still have things to look forward to, my new house, a fresh start for me and my family and fingers crossed, a better way of life for me, no stress, no hassle, phone silence. :-)