OK, I don't want to sound ungrateful here or try to make out I'm feeling sorry for myself but I've always been an active person. I've always enjoyed working, enjoying outdoor sports such as rollerblading and cycling with my children and have been known to do the odd walk or two. I've danced in my living room to no end whilst doing the chores and even when not doing chores, I've had the curtains closed and the music up loud and danced until my heart's content. Now however, those things are impossible. The very thought of getting my blades on right now fills me with dread as I know I will be suffering for it afterwards, besides, I don't have the energy to put them on in the first place! But when you are placed in a situation where rest is a big part of surviving everyday it can get a little tiresome.
There have been days in the past where I have thought to myself, "god, I would love a day to rest, put my feet up, read a little, watch trashy movies on TV and not even get dressed". Well, in the present, that is exactly what my days are like. Day in and day out. When you've gone from being really energetic to doing practically nothing it can take its toll. I may not speak for everyone but I'm getting tired of the same four walls in my living room, getting very fed up with the state of the house and even, (hate to admit this to myself) feel very jealous of my children for being able to go out into the sunshine and ride their bikes, play dizzy dinosaurs in the garden and go out and walk the dogs.
Don't get me wrong, I've been out. Done the odd bit of shopping and walked a little but I've had my trusty walking stick with me to lean on and the entire family asking me constantly if I'm ok, can I manage. I know they love me and want to take care of me but I know my limits and if I wasn't ok, I'd tell them. Believe me, its easier to tell them then to hide it, you'll only make it worse for yourself.
But when I get home, its straight back onto the sofa for me, in my comfy sweats, a book by my side and the TV remote in my hand. When I'm able to have complete peace and quiet (not easy with a 1year old, 5 year old and 11 year old) to completely rest I end up kicking myself thinking about all the things that need doing. The TV needs dusting or the dishes need putting into the dishwasher. If I'm completely honest, I'm not sure if its the actual resting that drives me insane or the thinking of what needs doing while I'm resting that's driving me to the brink of screaming, knowing that if I do those odd little jobs I'll feel worse physically. So, the big question is - do I feel worse physically and do the jobs and feel guilty for not resting or do I ignore the jobs, rest and feel worse mentally and feel guilty for not doing the jobs?
I just can't decide :-(